I have been thinking about practical solutions for dealing with the Coronavirus, especially as we begin battening down the hatches against Jack Frost.

The first idea comes from my religious upbringing. You see, I grew up Catholic*, and there is one tradition I believe would be quite useful right about now: The confessional.

I’m talking about that little black box that has two human-sized, darkened compartments on either side of a wall that houses a screen through which to communicate. Traditionally used by parishioners to have contrite and penitent tête-a-têtes with their priests, the Coronavirus version would allow two friends or family members to have jovial heart-to-hearts without fear of exchanging convivial “cooties.” Of course, the pandemic versions will have to be retrofitted with a drain in the bottom and plastic kneelers and seats. After use, you just hose them down and spray the screen with Lysol. Voilá! I can just see it now. If my idea gains traction, instead of bake sales and craft fairs, churches can make money using a branded rent-a-confessional app! And imagine the bonuses! In one short visit, you could get a 3-C triple-header: Confession, Communion and Conversation, all in one visit!

While that may help with our social interactions, we also need to come up with a solution to save restaurants, because dining en plein air quickly loses its allure when you have to chip icicles from your nose to get the fork to your mouth.

Well I’ve come up with a solution to that too! Restaurants that will be deprived of their outdoor seating options in winter can simply invest in some of those clear little plastic igloos like you see at the holiday bazaars and festivals. Up to eight could enjoy each other’s company, cozied up together in an igloo, warmed by candlelight, hot food and frenzied shivering!  Once the group is done, hose down the inside, put it back outside to freeze again, and any leftover cooties are trapped in pandemic permafrost.

You see…all we really need to deal with the Coronavirus is a little ingenuity! And humor. Lots of humor.

P.S. I am an “equal opportunity” humorist, so any religious irreverence is meant only to amuse, and not to offend.

Photo by Kevin Kramer.

Published in the September 10 issue of Beyond the Nest’s Free weekly newsletter of arts, culture and recreation.

Note: I normally publish these post 6 to 12 months after they’ve originally published. I’m publishing this two weeks later in great optimism (or is it sheer insanity?) that the topic of coronavirus will be obsolete six to twelve months from now.