Years ago, a friend was going to visit a psychic. I decided to go too, for the adventure of it.  Most of what this woman had to say seemed reasonable…even accurate…until she got to the part about alien testing.“Have you ever noticed those tiny red spots that simply seem to appear overnight, out of nowhere? That’s where aliens are performing tests. But don’t worry, they’re benign.”

Which…the aliens or the tests?

Honestly, any credibility she might have had up until then went right out the window.

Now, all these years later, I realize she just might have been on to something. It’s the only reasonable explanation I can come up with for what is happening, as I age.

This once supple body suddenly seems to be conducting sound from an alien world full of creaks and pops. Some days, it’s like a virtual orchestra! I might not mind so much if they’d throw in a little real music, once in a while.

And why else would this formerly svelte figure suddenly emulate the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s body on a bad bread day? Enough with the leavening agent, guys!

Then there’s the issue of hair. Alien testing might just explain why hair that wasn’t there before is, and hair that was there isn’t. And as for that color testing?  In my book, gray will never be the new black.

It also occurs to me that aliens just might be using my once-smooth skin as modeling clay. In fact, when I see the once-flawless faces of actors my age, I realize I’m not alone. It seems quite possible there’s a competition as to which alien can most accurately replicate the craggy, mottled surface of their planet. Oh, we try to fight their handiwork with money and moisturizers, but believe me…the aliens are winning. It’s just a matter of time.

So just think…the next time you have a  bad hair day, or put on a little weight, or creak from sleeping wrong, if someone has the bad manners to comment that you seem out of sorts, just retort, “Alien Testing gone wrong.”

I guarantee it will either leave them thunderstruck mute or laughing out loud.