I’ve gained a fair amount of weight since I moved from NYC to Rochester. Well, not a fair amount. In my book, the fact that once women hit 40, they gain weight pretty much just by breathing is NOT fair at all. And once you hit 50, forget it. By that age, most women I know have tried on more diets than Elton John has tried on glasses.

The pandemic has not helped. I have this theory that calories actually float in the air like pollen. Once you add stress and subtract the gym, it’s the perfect formula for them to gleefully attach themselves to unsuspecting female bodies like squirrels to a bird feeder. And it doesn’t help that women are often the ones making meals. I just know calories are absorbed through the hands.

So, I’ve come up with a Guide to (make you feel like you’re) losing weight:

1. Never replace the battery in your digital bathroom scale. A little-known fact about digital scales is when the battery is wearing out, instead of giving you your actual weight, it simply reads “Lo.” Personally, I find this a much more satisfying way to start my morning than coffee.
2. Do NOT EVER (yes, I’m shouting!) undertake the same diet at the same time as your male spouse/significant other. They lose weight on chocolates, Cheetos and chicken pot pies. You lose weight on…well, you just don’t.
3. Do NOT buy your clothing from overseas manufacturers. Six figures are meant only for salaries, not sizing. And if they indicate the clothing runs true-to-size, they’re referring to dolls, not humans.
4. Take a long-ish walk with a very slow dog on a very hot day. Your exercise app may not reflect the progress, but you’ll feel like you’ve hiked across the entire Sahara Desert.

One additional thing this pandemic has done is to bring a lot of clothing retailers to their knees. It’s tragic to see how many retailers are declaring bankruptcy, closing stores and going out of business. Pretty soon, we’ll all either be going naked or sewing our own clothes. On the bright side, either way, we won’t have those pesky how-can-I-possibly-be-this-size clothing labels to cut out! I guess that’ll teach me not to purchase clothing from countries where adults are the same size I was when I was five.

Originally written for and published in the August 20 issue of Beyond the Nest’s Free weekly newsletter.