On any given day, you don’t have to look much farther than your junk email folder to get a good chuckle.

I generally take a quick look through to haul out the few treasures that have accidentally fallen victim, before I erase the rest.  The variety of hoaxes, scams and phishing expeditions people waste their time crafting never fails to amuse.

Some senders don’t bother checking gender before hitting the “annoy recipient” button. Today’s batch of emails includes how I can fight back in the war against my manhood, a “personal” note, “Hey guy, want to drive your partner crazy in bed?” and then there’s Kate, who sends an actual newsletter with the headline, “I’m looking for a guy to join me on an adventure.” Good luck, Kate. You’re fishing in the wrong pond.

One noteworthy subject line on two separate emails today offers me “Leftover 2019 Silverados for $24.99.” Did they mistake a period for a comma and leave off a zero? And if not, dare I speculate what those Silverados might actually be?

HenryJoyNC’s emails are being funneled through from a website, and I receive no less than five-a-day from him.  I am playing hard-to-get, though, as he tries to woo me with offers of making thousands without effort and having robots pay off my bills. Send me those robots, and I’ll consider it! But I might put them to work  cleaning my house first.

I judiciously avoid emails with subject lines like “Dementia News,” “Diabetes Destroyer,” and “Pain Pulverizer.” If they know something about me I don’t, I do NOT want to know.

My personal favorite from today’s harvest comes from RickyBug who asserts he is a London Barrister (i.e., lawyer practicing in the higher courts). I really wonder how successful he could be, because poor RickyBug Barrister can’t put one grammatically correct sentence together in either British or American English to save his life. The title of his email is “How to Circumvent Stone-blind bespatter Your Ph.D. Dissertation?”  I give him credit for inventiveness, because at least 10% of the words he throws in are just that: invented.

About halfway through his 1051 word diatribe, he writes, ”Lack of coherence. Other method observations are of the font: “The altercation on-going into done with the system needs to be more comprehensible” or “The say is frail organized and advance together together without any appearing logic.”

Yeah, what he said.  Whatever that is.

Written for the September 24, 2020 issue of Beyond the Nest’s free weekly newsletter.