Last week, I went to a conference in Baltimore where I knew no one. Many at the conference had been attending for 15, 20 or 35 years, so there was a well-formed community who already knew each other. This didn’t bother me because, having been involved in tourism and hospitality, I’ve become comfortable talking to folks I don’t know.

This time, though, I felt as if my skills had let me down. I’d launch a conversation with someone, and after a few sentences, they just floated off to a group of people they knew. In one case, a young woman who sat at my table turned to her phone, not even responding to my question. When she won a raffle prize, I again made an overture, “Congratulations…how great that you won, and what a fun prize!”

She smiled wanly and returned to her phone.

Except for conversations with exhibitors about products, most interactions were similarly non-interactional, except for Anne.  Anne ran an art gallery, in addition to working at a community media station. She thrives on talking to artists, galleries visitors, prospective clients and others. We had a lovely lunch together.

When I skipped part of the conference during which there were no sessions relevant to me, I thought about what I might be doing wrong. I’d tried to be friendly, upbeat, and ask engaging questions. I smiled when standing alone…all the things you’re supposed to do. Still, nothing seemed to work.

Upon returning, and still somewhat disconcerted, I mentioned my experience to a colleague who’d attended in prior years. He acknowledged having had a similar experience. In fact, he’d skipped part of the conference, so he didn’t have to interact with people who were reluctant to engage.

I finally came to the conclusion that maybe it wasn’t me. Most of those folks worked in the tech side of media and seemed more comfortable with technology than people. If I’d either known them for a while, or been asking about technology rather than content, I bet I’d have had more success. Technology topics would have been within their comfort zone.

If you think about it, this type of experience applies to far more than meetings. How often do we have interactions that don’t go well, leading us to blame ourselves? Perhaps we have a meeting with a boss, a cashier, a prospective employer, even a spouse, or fellow conference attendee that goes awry.

It’s important to reflect on the interaction and what happened, especially because, half of the interaction is the other person’s responsibility. If he or she is uncomfortable in the circumstances, or having a bad day, or not feeling well,  or…, or…, or…, the outcome may be beyond your control.

So maybe, and quite possibly, the cause of the problem isn’t you.

Originally published in Beyond the Nest’s weekly newsletter.