I’m going on the record to say that I’m all for animal testing.

What? You’re offended?! Wait, you’ve misunderstood!

Not that kind of animal testing where you test products on animals! The kind where you use animals to test products! I may even start a business, using my own pets.

The first product I’ll test is the bullet proof vest. I figure any vest that can withstand three assaults by a deadly cat launching itself from the floor to the middle of your chest in the middle of the night, must be bullet proof!  Why, I could even do a double trial, testing door latches at the same time, because that darn little Houdini can get through anything!

Why, I can see a whole brigade of companies lining up to use my “certified pet-tested” company! They’ll start exciting new marketing campaigns!

“If our power-lift can get Bruno out of your chair, it can certainly lift you!”

Or “Hairballs versus the carpet? No sweat. Our rug shampoo will knock those spots out in the first round!” (Can’t you almost hear the boxing ring bell in the background on this campaign?)

And even, “Your dog’s tryst with the skunk is no challenge for our air freshener.”

Why, I may have come up with my next (okay, first) multi-million dollar business!

So if you have ideas of products I can test using my pets, send them to me, and we might both get rich!

Published in the May 23 issue of Beyond the Nest’s free weekly newsletter.