For the life of me, I can’t figure out how hackers can get into my online accounts, when I can’t.

You’ve probably had that experience of trying to place an order, typing in your surefire password, and getting one of those flippant little messages: “The password you’re trying to use belongs to your dog. Please try again.”

Well, it’s possible you made a typo – when all the letters appear as ******, it’s easy to make a mistake.  If they’re going to camouflage the pin, the least they could do is use dollar signs.

With your next attempt, the message reads: “You just don’t give up, do you? Try again.”

They might as well say, “Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect the goods in your shopping cart.”

After one more insult-ridden attempt, you beg for your password to be sent to your email. You open the email. At last…the magic key to the magic door of the wonderful magic shopping cart!

Instead of your password, “Click to reset password” appears.

“That’s not what I want!” you shriek at the computer along with a few choice words, as if expletives work as well as “Open Sesame” in Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves.

You try your old password twice more. The final attempt reveals the real reason you can’t get in: “Password expired. CPR will not help.”

Resigned, you give in and reset the password to something you hope you’ll remember, but “just in case,” you add it to your spreadsheet of 373 other passwords.

Then, as if it’s a Magic 8-ball, the message slowly appears: “Password invalid. Password must contain two rhyming words, three consecutive syllables, five numbers that add up to seven, your blood type, and a partridge in a pear tree.”

At last, you find a password that passes muster. You click “submit,” and a box appears next to the message: “To confirm your password, do three laps around the house, shine your kitchen windows for Pete’s sake, and enter the 74 digit code we just sent you to an email you probably no longer use.”

Finally, short on breath and having jumped every single hurdle, you access your shopping cart, delighted to finally have the satisfaction of clicking “submit order.”

Across your screen appears the message every online shopper dreads: “Time expired.  Please start over.

”Who knew shopping carts were mind-controlled by stingy spouses?

Originally published in June 22, 2017 BeyondtheNest.com Newsletter